Re-finding TRUST after being raped (a blog that I wrote based on the experience of the Canadian woman who wrote the review above):
This is an heartfelt Ode to the beautiful young woman that I gave an intense private session yesterday (read the poem on the end!) I am bowing down for her courage and willingness to reconnect with her body and listen to what it has to say... to dare and feel her yoni again after being raped last year... and to open her womb of wisdom, so this horrible experience can transform into embodied wisdom, a deep felt source from where she can share her gifts with the world.
I was with her, holding space... touching her body to make it relax and inviting it to open again... reconnecting her big open heart with her closed belly... womb... yoni... witnessing her process... embracing her emotions of fear... shock... deep sadness and disappointment... listening to her story of what happened... the rape, but even before that... and after... helping her to change it around, giving it another direction, so she can move on with her life. And even further! Moving from a place of victimhood to re-empowerment, right into the Feminine Force. Ending the session with loads of gratitude, liberation and laughter!
It was all about reconnecting with TRUST. Trust in herself... trust in others... trust in the wisdom of her physical temple... trust in the flow of life... trust in Trust itself.
To be able to fully trust - as in divine, unconditional Trust with a capital T - we have to first of all listen to the body. To her very subtle yet clear and obvious signals, telling us wether something (or someone, a situation, or a certain direction - even food, etcetera) is Yes or No.
In the basics, our bodily intuition is really as simple as that: it is telling you YES: go ahead, do it, take it, move further... or NO: don’t do it, withhold, step back, move away, STOP!
Our body either opens or it contracts, it relaxes or it tenses, it wants to move forward or it holds back or even wanting to move backwards... it’s telling us our direction by communicating Yes or No.
But the problem is that we often neglect this softly whispered information... we are too busy to notice the subtle signs of the body, or we simply don’t listen because the mind tells us something different, or - and this especially happens to women a lot, also in this specific case - we do actually feel it and even notice it, but we ignore it, because we are afraid to hurt someone else’s feelings. So we say “Yes” when we mean ‘No’, we say “No, thank you” when we feel ‘O Yes please...!’ and in this way we are creating confusion, within ourselves as well as in others.
Especially women towards men! We blame men for not understanding us, but we are not clear in what we want and don’t want in the first place, we carefully and subtly give hints by expressing something poetically around the subject instead of sharing our needs, communicating what we feel or what we don’t like. We are more trying to be nice than to be clear. As long as they like us...
And then, when we come to an absolute border, a Limit-Not-To-Be-Crossed, we don’t know how to act properly anymore... because the moment of communicating our Healthy Borders was waaay before!!
It was the moment when the subtle signs of discomfort started, that we paid no attention to... And the growing signals were not taken seriously... and the even fiercer indications were still being neglected...!
And then, when we come to this crucial point of feeling an absolute limit that is not to be crossed, especially in a situation with another person, the experience of not listening to ourselves is amplified by the another one not respecting us and our borders.
Sometimes we don’t even know how to communicate at all anymore, we are speechless... motionless... praying for it to be over... checking out... dissociating... All we remember afterwards is The Other violating our borders and feeling a Victim of their rude behaviour...
And yes, it is rude. Very rude! Especially in the case of physical and sexual abuse - among many other things. Not a word from me to say it is any different.
And yet... I want to approach it from another angle, look at it from a perspective of healing - when you are ready for it.
Because the feeling a being victim (be it of abuse by another person, suffering from a severe illness or whatever situation) is not going to help us to heal.
According to me, healing starts by taking back the control of our life - at least that is my personal experience after a lot of borders being crossed. repetitive sexual abuse and being treated for a bipolar disorder for 25 years and healing it all! It started by being the captain on my own ship. I couldn’t control the weather, but I can direct my own ship to survive the storms and arrive safely in the harbour. Of... a place where I really want to be, enjoying life to the max!
Feeling a ‘victim’ is placing the cause of our suffering outside of us. And all we can heal is that which is inside. Our part.
As long as we don’t take the full responsibility for the consequences of whatever happened, that we are suffering from (I am not saying responsibility for what happened, I am speaking about the consequences: that what you did with it afterwards and how you let it direct your life), as long as we keep blaming the illness (that might have developed after neglecting the body language and suppressing the signs and her growing symptoms for too long...) or we keep accusing the other(s) that crossed our borders and caused our pain, we will continue to suffer...
... because no matter how deeply we wish that things wouldn’t have happened, we cannot ’undo’ the past.
But we CAN set ourselves free from the pain that we have been carrying within us, free ourselves from all resentment, anger, fear, hatred, etc.
It starts by really doing our work, burning the pain and fear by feeding our inner flame, instead of shrinking our living space by letting pain and fear create the conditions and limitations in our life where we feel ‘safe’...
No! Not anymore!
Come to accept whatever happened, because... what’s the point of arguing with life as it is? Stop resisting the way things are. Let’s learn life’s lessons and transform them into pure wisdom. What happened will be a memory without the heavy load, and it will actually show to be a source of vast wisdom...!
Expand, reclaim your space, open, vibrate healthiness, take responsibility. Take your place and don’t infect yourself and others anymore with your pain. And don’t let yourself be infected anymore by the projections of others. Stay in your light, because this is your only true protection. As my tantra master told me again and again: “Shine more!” ✨
I started this post by stating that ‘To be able to fully trust - as in divine Trust with a capital T - we have to first of all listen to the body’. Because if we trust without taking our body signals and intuition into account, we are only being stupid!
I have been very stupid myself for a very long time...! I trusted all and everyone! People were telling me not to be so naive and it would upset me that they thought so badly about humankind, living their lives from fear... I didn’t feel that. I was full of Trust.
But I had to learn the hard way, to find Trust in Common Sense (or not so common, actually!) I had to learn to listen, honour and honestly act upon my body signals and trust my deep intuition before anything else.
My naive, adventurous and limitless young trust brought me the most magic experiences - because without acknowledging the risks, I accepted the weirdest invitations (especially when traveling the world on a young age), which gifted me with the most memorable adventures - but also brought me in dangerous and very traumatic situations...
Yes, I had to learn the hard way that this world isn’t a place where anything and everyone is to be trusted...
I lost my trust...
I lost my intuition...
I even lost myself...
It took me a long time to start trusting life again. As in... Unconditionally Trusting that ‘whatever comes on my path serves to evolve my life to a higher level of consciousness’ (although it might definitely not feel that way in the moment, it can only be experienced while reflecting on it afterwards...!)
In a moment of true Awakening (that I share about in my book ‘From disorder to gift’) and while growing in consciousness afterwards, I learned that to be able to Unconditionally Trust the universe and the flow of life, I have to make sound and clever decisions that resonate with my deepest being, no matter what whomever says or thinks about it! And I have to protect myself from draining via the many energy leakages of modern life. A good management of borders and energy is key! I finally got it. And this is what I transmit to others nowadays.
Back to the session of yesterday. This morning I received a message from her, telling me:
“It is a long time that I haven’t feeling good as this... the first thing I wrote this morning was: I think I am healed and I am ready for the change...♥”
I feel deeply touched by this wonder of life, and my Trust in healing - because I sincerely believe that if I could heal myself, YOU can too!!
Beyond your doubt there is your truth
Beyond your fear there is a river of love, that knows how to flow
Beyond your judgment there are tender hands simply longing to hold you
Beyond your shame there is freedom dancing deliriously in a meadow of creativity
Beyond your pain there is a knowing that it was never about you
Beyond your jealousy is an inclusivity that embraces and celebrates all
Beyond your compromise is a sovereignty ready to simply stand
Beyond your lostness is the clarity of ages lived and a wisdom as old as time
Beyond your darkness is a soul that only knows how to shine
and a heart that will never be satisfied with half measures
Beyond your holding back is a roaring laugh no longer able to take such limitations seriously
You are here to remember who you are
You are here because you are so much more
You are here because the past no longer has claim over your present and your path is a path of liberation into love
You are here to bow to the mystery of all that you are and all that we are and of all that is ready to reborn into wholeness.
You are here.
(these last words are based on a text by Clare Dubois)
In love and gratitude, Deva Yama